Unleash the Lemurs


For real, lemurs. It’s time to face the facts that lemurs don’t belong in captivity; they should be running wild in their natural habitat. And that natural habitat…is an urban jungle. Man, just think about how cool that would be! We set them all free and they become the new magpies, just everywhere at all times. With any luck they eat all the magpies and we don’t have to deal with those swooping suckers anymore.

It’s not that I don’t admire the work of the glazing companies Melbourne has to offer, because I’ve visited the Lemur Sanctuary loads of times, pressed my face against the glass and beheld the wonders within. I hear they had to contract the best glaziers around after there was an incident where all the lemurs escaped. Yeah, some faulty power generator thing, and now they have reinforced triple-glazing.

But if it makes them feel at home, we can build them great glass houses, just for the lemurs. They can live there and still be little showmen, but in the meantime they can roam around Melbourne as our local attraction. They’ll have to put up signs saying ‘DO NOT FEED THE LEMURS’. They should have ones up right now saying a similar thing about magpies, but alas, children keep feeding them anyway.

So yeah. Get those same glaziers in on the job, they can provide something of the same thing they do now, except the lemurs will be free to come and go. They’ll have little lemur furniture, with little lemur-sized glass stair balustrades so they can be all fancy. Not that I think they’re unhappy now, but they deserve a bit of compensation after being cooped up for so long.