Banish Your Stress

Bah, stress! I’m always stressed, and do you know how I deal with it? I don’t. It eats away at me night and day, having totally consumed my sanity long ago, hence why I might have tried to create a brain-control machine that would make all people named ‘Dylan’ do my bidding at the flick of a switch. With my Dylan army, I would have taken over all of Australia and probably the world. I hadn’t really planned that far ahead.

But now I’m here, helping people deal with stress. I repeat: helping people deal with stress. Apparently they’re going to use my machine in corporate stress management programs, at a setting even lower than the lowest setting, which basically just produces a soothing tone that helps people relax. The idea of being forced to help people in a corporate setting deal with stress is quite, quite unacceptable, but they said if I don’t help out then I’ll be locked in this place forever, with a bunch of people who might be as crazy as me but are definitely not as intelligent. Now that’s a stressful thought.

I suppose, given the design brief and end-goal that I’ve been given, I could make some adjustments. See, the thing about dealing with stress, not that I’ve ever actually attempted it myself, is this: you need to right atmosphere. If you’re in a busy corporate environment, it’s not enough to sit there with phones ringing all around you, emails flooding in, co-workers not working. You need to get OUT of that environment before you can truly calm down. Maybe one in every ten-thousand people can achieve a state of zen transcendence in the midst of chaos, but you’re here taking stress management training, Melbourne corporate types, so that’s not you.

See, I’m quite the expert. I’ll do as they ask, and one day, they’ll slip up and assign a guard named Dylan. And the world shall be mine!

-Doctor Chadinski