This does seem like something that is a thing, most definitely. I told the council when they had the underground car park built: this will be nothing but trouble! It’ll weaken the foundations of the building, but also, people’s minds will become different down there in the dim light. They’ll be tempted to do all sorts of uncouth things, like illicit substances and filming music videos.

And here we are: we all wake up in the middle of the night, and we have to evacuate the building – two-hundred people with cats in their arms filing out the door – because someone’s car is on fire. ON FIRE.

Now the burned up husk has been towed to a car repair centre. Preston has a mechanic just down the road, but it won’t do much good. I saw the car. It’s a chunk of charred metal, not something your average mechanic is able to fix, although what do I know? Maybe a mechanic will look at a burned out husk and decide that it might be a fun project to restore, because all of those tyre repairs and roadworthy certificates have gotten a bit stale and boring. They need a real challenge.

And while they’re having fun with that, we should probably look into who would go around our underground car park, setting innocent vehicles ON FIRE. Oh yes, this is a sign, I tell you. I say unto thee, unto all of thee! The underground car park has become a breeding ground for the worst of humanity, and we should take drastic action upon the morrow to make it not so. At this point, I’m thinking the only thing we can do is attach dynamite to every single one of the support columns and collapse the whole place.

This is a place of community and cats, not car parks! Let the auto services Coburg locals rely on deal with the car troubles; leave it outside of Preston Think only of our feline friends, free from subterranean fiends!

-Sister Ophelia